because everything's so freaking hard, because it has become so burdensome, because i dont know myself anymore, because you dont care as much as i do.

thus i choose to give it up.

i never knew how something so beautiful could turn ugly like how it did.but now i know.

i think lying to yourself and convincing yourself by repeating and drilling things you would rather believe is the way to life. ok not exactly the way to life, but its the way to choose against your basic natural instinctive will. its like how in sports, you repeat positive affirmations to yourself. like when youre running and you get damn tired, your natural instinct is to stop. but what keeps you from doing what you want and what helps you to choose to do against your will is what you tell yourself. its kind of lying to yourself in a sense. maybe sometimes not. but sometimes it really is.

but no matter what, thats what i do i guess. lie to myself to achieve desired effect. thats essential simply because we dont get what we want all the time in life.

today was alright. studied more than normally, and did what i enjoyed doing.its only when you do what you enjoy and what you like, you become rejevenated. like somehow i felt more motivated. hmm going to sch to study tmr.going to sch after so long. =)