sometimes i wonder what will happen if i bump into him one day. afterall, its highly possible, town and grand etc.

there are so many things i prefer not to think about.

f r i e n d s.
how many do i have exactly. how many of them would stand by me no matter what happens. how many of them are people i would risk my life and do anything for. how many of them are people i will never ever forget. how many of them will care and love me without expecting anything in return?

i thought i had many good friends. i thought good friends stood by you and try to understand you whenever they can. i thought good friends meant alot more. maybe i thought wrong.

maybe i'm a sucky selfish friend who doesnt care about my friends.

haha i just saw chuansheng's nick as he logged on. trust no one so no one will betray your trust. haha..

michelle hon feng yan: you're the longest friend i have and i want you to know im so damn thankful i have you in my life. all these 11 years, the countless things we went through together. you're the second best gift God gave to me, after my grandma.

i should count my blessings. i have someone who loves me so much and gives in to me all the time. someone who makes sure im well taken care of and someone who's always there for me.
someone who gives without expecting to take at all. someone who's very dear to me too =)

sch is monotonous. i take delight in sitting at my huimin corner and not talking much at all. the occasional chats with firas over content of high intelligence. and just minding my own business really. its the only way i get by in sch, by minding my own business. ive slowly gone past minding about what people thought about me, and slowly not thinking about what people thought about other people. at the end of the story, what is it that really matters?

i dont know why i had that strong overwhelming feeling that day when i heard the two persons whom i actually hold dearly in my heart couldnt make it for my special day. i didnt mind at all, cos i understood perfectly, and after that i was damn alright about it. but no matter what, i was disappointed and that overwhelming feeling made it hard to swallow, hard to swallow maybe cos of the tears which threatened to come up. fuck it, does it even mean anything to you. i never thought i would mention all this here, cos i only told this to one person. but who cares anywayy right.

thats why i say,

there are so many things i prefer not to think about.

i dont think many people will understand this post, but i know my special few will know.

something i heard from mr evan's lesson that day. he said that someone else said that you need to move out and live away from your parents in order to gain or formulate your own identity. well something along that lines lah.

and i really want to move out too, have a rented apartment of my own or stay at boarding or something.

its not like im not happy at home, or im unhappy with my family. on the contrary, i have nice nice cousins whom i crap, play monopoly, play mahjong with. but i know im damn dependent on my grandma which is not a good thing. i wanna learn to live on my own and be more responsible. but i know my grandma loves me too much to let me move out or anything. maybe in university.

skipped school to do hist essay today. then went to shoot. felt quite good, changed my form a bit, and its more comfortable actuallyy. im aching all over againn and the worst part about aching is that its damn hard to get outta bed in the morningg. haha

oh i wanna tell people at my age and older. planning for your future is important. so start thinking today =) haha very random comment i know, but its trueeeee..

shot alot today. yay im pleased. i think im gonna start scoring proper so i can see improvement and results of training. pe is becoming crappyy, with territorial games gone and now having leadership games. quite sianded..and the stupidest thing is, my right operated knee is fine and strong during those territorial games then today those slack games i twisted my right knee. damn used to it by now, but i really really hate it cos i feel like im an invalid and handicap.

i wanna have more more more time. i feel i have not enough time. been playing alot less le, but time seems to be insufficient still..firas says they blog more than me, what rubbishhh..and im being so nice writing like 80 invitation cards for his bday party for him. and its nicer than my bday invites. hmph, firas, you must be nice and lend me the red baby i audio everyday.

oh oh, i have three babies, my blue one, silver one and black one. blue one is my bow =) silver one is my darling digicam konica minolta dimage x50 which i bought with my own hard earned money. and the black one is my dear notebook that im using to type all this shit now. and then still have my red adopted baby. and thats firas' red i-audio. there's supposed to be a pink/blue baby on its way (ipod mini) but maybe it wont come afterall. i might get sth else instead of that, the i-audio is actually better than mini pod pod..

i want!!!!
eat well and run more.
sleep more too.
finish up all my work and embark on studying for exams.
mp3 player.
my hair to grow fast fast.
a nice crumpler so i can bring to sch.
listen to him and save more money by not taking cabs and not splurging whenever i have moneyy.
more time for shooting, more time for schwork, more time for him, more time to sleep and rest.
er, finish writing firas' bday invitationss -_-

think ive been blogging really little. will blog more whenever i can. i wanna post up some pics but im really lazy now so another time thenn.

pics uploaded. there's apparently something wrong with the links at the side. so try those and if cant then use the links beloww..

my 18th bday: http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeAMnDRuzaMWzC7g&notag=1
bangkok trip: http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeAMnDRuzaMWzDEA&notag=1
sch.CNY.vday: http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeAMnDRuzaMWzDMg&notag=1
zoo: http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeAMnDRuzaMWzDVA&notag=1

happy chinese new year and gong xi fa cai.

i wanna say i had a fabulous 18th with the three celebrations i had although i got saboed many many times and i had whipped cream, cake, chocolate sauce on my face and hair for three times.

a big thank you to my friends and family who loves me and made this year's bday a special one for me.

two nights of mahjongg. till wee hours like 4am and 6am. -_- im feeling zombifiedd.

v'day tmr. HAPPY SWEET VALENTINE'S DAY YOU ALL =)

i feel like im a coward because i know what i should do and what i can be but i have no courage and determination to be who i want. thats freaking cowardly and stupid and irritating and uselesss and dumb of me. USELESS argh..

ARGH.

that mere mention of your name regarding a sensitive issue made me gag. right there and then in bangkok, in the hotel room where we were having debrief for the youth team when mr tang talked. couldnt breathe properlyy, trying to control the overwhelming tears. then kayhian kinda saw me trembling and then i couldnt hold it back anymore. that freaking mere mention did that to me. i hate myself for giving in, i hate myself for even listening to things i should not even bother.

and now, its been so long, and ive been trying so hard to live normally. been trying so hard to get out of those shadows of that nightmare and starting things all over again. its been so long, will you rest?

you know very well i cant do anything. me selfish and dismissive? i really dont understand. i really dont know whats up. i really dont know what i can do to help you. tell me if you can.

hai sorry for all that crap. actually, i had a smashing smashing great time celebrating my bday with my friends yesterday. one of the biggest bday celebrations i ever had.

details of 7th feb 2005, monday.
woke up quite early and got ready to go downstairs and wait for hong to come fetch me to school.haha wait and wait and no sign of his car. haha actually he overslept so i went to sch by mrt. was whining like shit cos i wanted to take cab but no cash with me so i was whining and whining to calvin on the phone non stop.well, finally got to school and realised my lateness caused a surprise spoiler. classmates wanted to give me a surprise birthday celebration straight after assembly, but i kinda ruined it =( sorry dears and darlings..

well, still cut cake after math tutorial and made everyone super late for econs lecture. and damn idiot cos they had whipped cream planned. never even give warning!!! dont even have time to take out my jacket first before bing sprayed whipped cream like madd..wah and whipped cream S T I N K S. really bad, like of rotten eggs. haha then i went into econs lecture to give ms salina a slice of cake with all the whipped cream all over me, cos if i did that i will get 20 bucks! haha

then nice juelin came to save the damstrel in distress and tried to help me clean up and wash off the stinko shit from my hair. hmm then after sch at 12, went to j8 with keith, xian and firas and ate at cartel. and i really stank so badly. so yuck man..haha..then waited for calvin to come from school then we cabbed home, dropping off firas and keith at school while xian zhong se qing you and abandoned the three of us.

hmm went home and bathe, washed my hair three times and when i came out i keep smelling the rotten eggs smell -_- ahha, damn smelly but i appreciate what my dear classmates have done for me. thanks people esp camy! well, then i was kinda late for my bday dinner at fish and co and i rushed like mad and took cab down with weili my cousin and calvin but the cabs were nowhere in sight. i was so scared and worried by the time we got on a cab=(

haha but despite the boos i experienced throughout the day, i had a great smashing time at the dinner. i really hope all who came all had fun and enjoyed themselves too. really, i really appreciate each and everyone's presence at my party. thanks thanks. i was running from table to table but at the start i mostly stayed with brenda who was there early for me but my stupid hon and laa came so late! so i accompanied my nice and chio brenda and caught up with that darling. BRENDA NG!! i missed you so much you know! so pweety and chio and sweet now, hope you didnt get bullied by those idiotic guy friends of mine who sat with you. lunch next weeek, come or die k! haha really, miss those days, missed you alot.

yeah hope everyone had a good dinner and had fun. apparently the food came damn slowly, tsk tsk at fish&co. went around taking pictures with every single one. i made sure i didnt miss out anyone at all. was kinda super busy and neglected people. really sorry, hope you all understand kk!!!!! really sorryyy..and my heels made my feet hurt like mad yesterday, shouldnt have worn that pair of heels man..

oh yeah, kana saboed at my dinner again. first, the three idiots, xian, firas and keith, also known as g.o.d or friends of the world or even better know as the botak gang had to con me =( they came making a grand grand entrance with their caps and blings (haha) and they came with one angbao each. then they made me choose one angbao, saying one has 100 bucks, one has 10 bucks and one has no moneyy. then i choose and choose they just come and tear up the angbao.haha then in the end all three have nothing one!! bluff me! haha but in the end they gave me a super thick angbao filled with 100 bucks worth of two dollar bills to contribute to my ipod mini fund. haha yay and hurray to my three back row brudders. firas, keith and weixian. though you guys always bully me, but i guess you guys always make my day and make me smile. though you three are always so retarded and try to bluff me all day long, but you guys have been great friends.

yes then kana saboed AGAIN. by my best friends whom i know the longEST, yes right from PRIMARY SCHOOL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. and they were the ones who stared the cake smashing! yes, these girls, hon laa and brenda whom i trust so very much when they said, "come have a slice of your cake, you havent eaten." so i happily sat down to eat while they happily smashed one slice into my face. ARGHHHHHHH, and that sparked off the others! hon, laa, brenda..you guys are special people that i will never ever forget. thanks for coming, esp you brenda! love you all..

hmm then cut cake and all, haha was quite a huge crowd i realised when everyone crowded aroundd..lianne arrived just in time for the cutting cake, luckilyy..thanks for rushing down girl =) lianne ngoi yan ling haha im so glad my donkey made it in time and rushed down specially for me. appreciate it love. MUACKS..

subsequently, when i got rather busy and let my guards down, i got conned twice! ARGH. stupid ken ang cee wei said tianfeng, jingkai and bing wanted to take picture with me, so i innocently go there give my camera to ken and he was taking a video of us taking pic. then SMASH went the cake into my face. struggle also no freaking use cos they three how much bigger and stronger than me lor..wah laoo......

then KEN ANG THAT IDIOT.. "come come i wanna take picture with you" so nice and innocent me thought that two times smashing enough le, so just go take picture..then kana smash by him again. ARGH..ken me no forgive you for your evil deeds. HMPHHHHHH!! haha, no lah, thanks for the addidas jacket you shared with the others. and thanks for everything youve done for me. thanks for being there when i needed someone, thanks for taking care of me wherever and all the time. yeah thanks, but me no forgive you!

haha okayy, then people all paid and all, then calvin helped me calculate everything..er bill was thousand over, but we only received six hundred over..haha got freaked out for awhile, but well, heck lahh, i just paid, have fun can alreadyy..haha becky my dearest darling girl came damn late after everyone left to give me my present and i couldnt stop hugging her. really, i miss her so so so so so so much, talking to her abit made me miss her even more!!!! arghh..rebecca ting promise you'd never go missing on me again and promise to tell me if you change hp numbers..

iris, audrey, uni, chuin you guys rock my world seriously. my party's never complete without my glosse posse. but we were incomplete that night =( i missed tiff at my dinner..lee juelin, anna toh you know, the picture of 3 of us together, it was the most perfect picture i took that night. i just feel that way, dont know why. you guys have a special place in my heartt..

i got so damn many people to thank. alot alot alot really. thanks for coming. thanks for all the presents. thanks for all the birthday wishes. thanks for all the love.

camy, candy, bena, nicole, kevin, eugene, michael, eman, kayhian, bing, lai, ben chen, daryl cheong, weixian, keith, firas, timmyy, juelin, anna, iris, uni, chuin, audrey, lianne, clara, marns, mel, joel, chongs, jeanette, hong, charlene, psy, benjamen, chris, wenkai, eng, jy, khor, aaron, laura, ben woon, melvin, sueling, colin, francis, ken, monica, daryl chia, gabriel, tianfeng, jingkai, wenli, kenli, hon, laa, brenda, becca, jason, meiling, calvin, my 4 cousins, the two cousins' boyfriends..

you all made my day =) love


i hate whipped cream


my chiobu brenda ng. i love you!!


glosse minus my tiffanyyy


picture perfect =) anna jue me


me and hon, love love


clara tang, you make me miss you so much. so idiotttt


chris and me. my poseur boy!!!! mineeeeee


becky. another idiot who made me miss her so much.. can die one you knowww


daryl, firas, xian, keith and me. the posers and me

bah i hate to resort to this cos it sounds all so bimbotic and self-centered and ego but people have been asking what i want for my bday and i guess making a wishlist will kinda help them solve their troubles of what to buy? sometimes i wish people would just give me money in an angpoh then it wouldnt be troublesome for them and they wont have to be troubled about what i like or worried that i wont like the present they got etc etc etc..but things dont work that way i guess, so here goes..

huimin's 18th bday wishlist.

--pink ipod mini with good earphones!!!!!!!!!! my must have =) er kayhian is collecting funds from many people for this, so its like, if you really dont know what to buy this is one way out. haha so contact kayhian my darling classmate.
--crumpler weenie. the black/white one or the red/white one maybe. the common but nice crumpler bag
--or a nice deuter bag. yeah im in need of a bag to bring to school=)
--oh i just saw online, the crumpler backpacks are quite nice too.
--a wallet. been too lazy to get one
--a jacket. its damn hard to find a nice jacket. even to find a nice coloured addidas jacket is hard. any nice jacket with the addidas jacket material is good
--a crumpler john thursday. haha its the crumpler bag for assessories with the cool name. im wanting one to keep my digicam or my mini-ipod-to-be..haha
--more earrings even though i have alot. haha
--er clothes? tshirts, nice skirts, er yeah jacket.
--polo tshirt!!!!! er black or blur or pink.
--everyone to come to my bday dinner and have a hell lotta fun.

okay crap wish list. i took quite long to get that together.. bah i dont know lah. give me money?? hahaha..

downwithflu and it s u c k s. -_-

yes xian, podpod and ill do my part. make sure you do yours about the podpod man. dont bluff me again, you and firas..

wah super sleepy now. alright day todayy..gotta shop tmr better sleep early.

i hope all goes well for my party -_- sian if things screw up.. like not enough people turn up or like important people dont come or like everyone dont enjoy at all or something. yuck yuck pls dont..

argh tired..goodnight

it was pretty funny when i gave out the invitation cards to my birthday dinner to my silly classmates. cos the end of the invite said "rsvp by sat (5th feb) @ 90213703)" so all the guys starting calling me and sms-ing me in class even though they were sitting all around me in class. -_- retarded but quite funny lahh..

brought my laptop to sch today. quite funnyy cos daryl was singing to numb and you know, daryl cheong is gay..haha then they were listening to taufik and watching the taufik "i dream" mtv on my laptop and laughing away at the boyband gestures. haha. realy cmi.

oh yeahh..remind remind. my birthday dinner 7th feb 6PM at fish and co glasshouse upstairs. the one opposite ps and beside parkmall in case there are noobs who dont know. yeah please try to make it kk? thanks thanks thanks. oh yeah, kayhian is my birthday present coordinator. its like, if you really dont know what to buy or like no time or whatever, just contact kayhian and contribute to the huimin's present fund. hahah cos he trying to raise funds for my ipod mini. and firas is nice nice cos he contributing alot to it.

haha so ego of me. crap lahh. me wrote invitations until my hand pain lor.. siandedddd..

was super short tempered in school today. i hate it cos im seldom like that. actually never, about my first time i think. short tempered cos of a few reasons i guess. sian lahh -_-

whats up with the eman, camy and tim ng imposters?

damn proud of myself today. only ate egg and two crab sticks this morning for breakfast. then sweets. and i went for pe and training.i shall maintain that and add running into it =)

gonna do robert frost and econs case study. then watch arsernal man u. argh arsenal must get the revenge. !!!!

yay me bday coming. gonna hold bday dinner on the 7th feb, monday night. hmm gonna give out invites soon, people pls try to make it alright? since tue is celebrations k?

oh and hints hints i really want a ipod mini. but firas says he'll get it for me since im inviting someone on my list. but firas is not very trustworthy, but i still want my ipod mini. with better ear phones than the original ear phones. haha.

im freaking overworked. -_-