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ARGH.

that mere mention of your name regarding a sensitive issue made me gag. right there and then in bangkok, in the hotel room where we were having debrief for the youth team when mr tang talked. couldnt breathe properlyy, trying to control the overwhelming tears. then kayhian kinda saw me trembling and then i couldnt hold it back anymore. that freaking mere mention did that to me. i hate myself for giving in, i hate myself for even listening to things i should not even bother.

and now, its been so long, and ive been trying so hard to live normally. been trying so hard to get out of those shadows of that nightmare and starting things all over again. its been so long, will you rest?

you know very well i cant do anything. me selfish and dismissive? i really dont understand. i really dont know whats up. i really dont know what i can do to help you. tell me if you can.

hai sorry for all that crap. actually, i had a smashing smashing great time celebrating my bday with my friends yesterday. one of the biggest bday celebrations i ever had.

details of 7th feb 2005, monday.
woke up quite early and got ready to go downstairs and wait for hong to come fetch me to school.haha wait and wait and no sign of his car. haha actually he overslept so i went to sch by mrt. was whining like shit cos i wanted to take cab but no cash with me so i was whining and whining to calvin on the phone non stop.well, finally got to school and realised my lateness caused a surprise spoiler. classmates wanted to give me a surprise birthday celebration straight after assembly, but i kinda ruined it =( sorry dears and darlings..

well, still cut cake after math tutorial and made everyone super late for econs lecture. and damn idiot cos they had whipped cream planned. never even give warning!!! dont even have time to take out my jacket first before bing sprayed whipped cream like madd..wah and whipped cream S T I N K S. really bad, like of rotten eggs. haha then i went into econs lecture to give ms salina a slice of cake with all the whipped cream all over me, cos if i did that i will get 20 bucks! haha

then nice juelin came to save the damstrel in distress and tried to help me clean up and wash off the stinko shit from my hair. hmm then after sch at 12, went to j8 with keith, xian and firas and ate at cartel. and i really stank so badly. so yuck man..haha..then waited for calvin to come from school then we cabbed home, dropping off firas and keith at school while xian zhong se qing you and abandoned the three of us.

hmm went home and bathe, washed my hair three times and when i came out i keep smelling the rotten eggs smell -_- ahha, damn smelly but i appreciate what my dear classmates have done for me. thanks people esp camy! well, then i was kinda late for my bday dinner at fish and co and i rushed like mad and took cab down with weili my cousin and calvin but the cabs were nowhere in sight. i was so scared and worried by the time we got on a cab=(

haha but despite the boos i experienced throughout the day, i had a great smashing time at the dinner. i really hope all who came all had fun and enjoyed themselves too. really, i really appreciate each and everyone's presence at my party. thanks thanks. i was running from table to table but at the start i mostly stayed with brenda who was there early for me but my stupid hon and laa came so late! so i accompanied my nice and chio brenda and caught up with that darling. BRENDA NG!! i missed you so much you know! so pweety and chio and sweet now, hope you didnt get bullied by those idiotic guy friends of mine who sat with you. lunch next weeek, come or die k! haha really, miss those days, missed you alot.

yeah hope everyone had a good dinner and had fun. apparently the food came damn slowly, tsk tsk at fish&co. went around taking pictures with every single one. i made sure i didnt miss out anyone at all. was kinda super busy and neglected people. really sorry, hope you all understand kk!!!!! really sorryyy..and my heels made my feet hurt like mad yesterday, shouldnt have worn that pair of heels man..

oh yeah, kana saboed at my dinner again. first, the three idiots, xian, firas and keith, also known as g.o.d or friends of the world or even better know as the botak gang had to con me =( they came making a grand grand entrance with their caps and blings (haha) and they came with one angbao each. then they made me choose one angbao, saying one has 100 bucks, one has 10 bucks and one has no moneyy. then i choose and choose they just come and tear up the angbao.haha then in the end all three have nothing one!! bluff me! haha but in the end they gave me a super thick angbao filled with 100 bucks worth of two dollar bills to contribute to my ipod mini fund. haha yay and hurray to my three back row brudders. firas, keith and weixian. though you guys always bully me, but i guess you guys always make my day and make me smile. though you three are always so retarded and try to bluff me all day long, but you guys have been great friends.

yes then kana saboed AGAIN. by my best friends whom i know the longEST, yes right from PRIMARY SCHOOL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. and they were the ones who stared the cake smashing! yes, these girls, hon laa and brenda whom i trust so very much when they said, "come have a slice of your cake, you havent eaten." so i happily sat down to eat while they happily smashed one slice into my face. ARGHHHHHHH, and that sparked off the others! hon, laa, brenda..you guys are special people that i will never ever forget. thanks for coming, esp you brenda! love you all..

hmm then cut cake and all, haha was quite a huge crowd i realised when everyone crowded aroundd..lianne arrived just in time for the cutting cake, luckilyy..thanks for rushing down girl =) lianne ngoi yan ling haha im so glad my donkey made it in time and rushed down specially for me. appreciate it love. MUACKS..

subsequently, when i got rather busy and let my guards down, i got conned twice! ARGH. stupid ken ang cee wei said tianfeng, jingkai and bing wanted to take picture with me, so i innocently go there give my camera to ken and he was taking a video of us taking pic. then SMASH went the cake into my face. struggle also no freaking use cos they three how much bigger and stronger than me lor..wah laoo......

then KEN ANG THAT IDIOT.. "come come i wanna take picture with you" so nice and innocent me thought that two times smashing enough le, so just go take picture..then kana smash by him again. ARGH..ken me no forgive you for your evil deeds. HMPHHHHHH!! haha, no lah, thanks for the addidas jacket you shared with the others. and thanks for everything youve done for me. thanks for being there when i needed someone, thanks for taking care of me wherever and all the time. yeah thanks, but me no forgive you!

haha okayy, then people all paid and all, then calvin helped me calculate everything..er bill was thousand over, but we only received six hundred over..haha got freaked out for awhile, but well, heck lahh, i just paid, have fun can alreadyy..haha becky my dearest darling girl came damn late after everyone left to give me my present and i couldnt stop hugging her. really, i miss her so so so so so so much, talking to her abit made me miss her even more!!!! arghh..rebecca ting promise you'd never go missing on me again and promise to tell me if you change hp numbers..

iris, audrey, uni, chuin you guys rock my world seriously. my party's never complete without my glosse posse. but we were incomplete that night =( i missed tiff at my dinner..lee juelin, anna toh you know, the picture of 3 of us together, it was the most perfect picture i took that night. i just feel that way, dont know why. you guys have a special place in my heartt..

i got so damn many people to thank. alot alot alot really. thanks for coming. thanks for all the presents. thanks for all the birthday wishes. thanks for all the love.

camy, candy, bena, nicole, kevin, eugene, michael, eman, kayhian, bing, lai, ben chen, daryl cheong, weixian, keith, firas, timmyy, juelin, anna, iris, uni, chuin, audrey, lianne, clara, marns, mel, joel, chongs, jeanette, hong, charlene, psy, benjamen, chris, wenkai, eng, jy, khor, aaron, laura, ben woon, melvin, sueling, colin, francis, ken, monica, daryl chia, gabriel, tianfeng, jingkai, wenli, kenli, hon, laa, brenda, becca, jason, meiling, calvin, my 4 cousins, the two cousins' boyfriends..

you all made my day =) love