hmm feeling stiff and aching all over. bahh, cos finally went gym after lazing for so long =|

hey people, gonna be away for a few days, will be attending a wedding dinner in m'sia. yeah so if there's anything, er then too bag, i wont be around a while.

hmm went tiong bahru for dinner. ate rocker venezia ice cream again. i think i can eat it all day long, breakfast lunch and dinner =)

did pw alllllll dayyyyy looonnnnggg.. i woke up feeling so frenzied and worried over it cos i realised i will be away and wont be able to do pw. so i did pw all day. haha i kinda like doing powerpoint.

yay, will be shopping and shopping and shopping in m'sia. hopefully its the time of the year when there are many many nice things to buy. hopefullyy..

argh so many things i miss but cant do =|

yesterday pw op dry run, haha was quite fun actually.

our presentation was er well, obviously not really prepared for.haha..but we managed to smoke through. and weixian has got to be the funniest presentor around. his bloopers are hilarious..
weixian: circling the media circle (saying how there are significant amount of porn available)
weixian: marketable market (er he meant to say how teenagers and young people make up a potential market)

haha, spent the rest of my time playing hangman with weixian and eman, then bing who joined later. er involving questions like emmanuel is damn smart, i am damn sleepy, min min wants a drink, weixian is a big fat idiot. seriously, we were bored.

hmm then a few of us went canteen to snack and buy drinks. argh they cannot stop making fun of my various names. its a tragedy to let weixian and firas know my childhood nickname. and to let people know about the susanto thing.

hmm then went town with class people. yeah had my venezia rocker ice cream and i felt so so so contented. bahh ate quite alot. the cheese chicken sausage thing at taka rocks. i went to the store about 5 times, the guys there must have thought im super hungry or super greedy. yeah then hung around awhile with the usual people, kayhian lai bing..wanted to pool! but they all didnt have change! -_-

hmm went home, watched some teevee and ended up feeling quite good. and i was determined not to let anything, anything at all ruin that mood. that rare rare mood.bah skipped sch again cos it feels so fei. like i cant really wake up early also la, too lazy. slept at 4 this morning.. im going gym later..yay wheee! i'll just not think about the travelling time and all, and i'll be fine.cos i never fail to feel damn good after doing gym. =)

i cant wait to get my new and hopefully-uber comp. cant cant wait.

promo grades. CDEF. er..only consolation, so easy to remember?

bah, i should be contented since i was only aiming to promote. and with these results, its better than promoted only. well, what can i do and who can i blame. to add up, i prob studied only three full days for this. and what stuff was i still thinking about and crying about during the promos? so well, maybe i should be contented. or else i'd piss off those who mugged bloody hard and didnt do well like me.

bahh, i hate to get such average marks cos i dont know what to feel about it. bah haiya heck la, i'll just have to go think about what i really want. and as my friends would know, if i know i want something and i finally put my heart to it, i'd prob achieve it. i'll think about it..

it seems like you really need to know whats sadness to know whats happiness.likewise, you need to know whats hard work to know whats relaxing and partying. like ive been slacking the whole year, so naturally i dont even have the mood to party or have fun now.

lalalala, away with stupid pw..

yesterday. was supposed to meet hon in the morning, but that piggy slept till so late.. heh. then we met up at harbourfront to go to sentosa..haha, we two spastic shits, took the bus into sentosa then decided we should go to town since its gonna rain so took the bus back without doing anything at sentosa. haha

well, times and moments spent with hon are always valuable and happy times. ate at marche at suntec, had alot of fun laughing at certain drunk people cos we had some beer. haha..really nice time hanging out. and hon enjoyed my friends' company.

hmm then me and hon went to esplanade to find laa who was working at thai express..haha that silly girl kept complaining that we two go out without her and that we came to gloat. but noooo, i really missed laa ok! haha..yeah then me and hon sat at esplanade for quite long listening to the live bands and talking shit.missed that silly girl. was telling her how i was thinking, just the other day, how i wished things were like last time, when i had problems, my close friends would stand up for me. its not like they dont anymore, its just in a different way. friends are always there for me, but its not like before.. like how i wish sometimes, someone can help me just end everything, and help me tell other people its over and ive had enough.

oh me and hon were so coordinated yesterday it was funny. cap and bag and all..haha, luckily i didnt wear the tube i was comtemplating to wear.

open house. cheerleading. choc buffet. isnt everything supposed to be nice and happy and easy?

im not thinking about things. forcing myself not to think about things. but suddenly everything goes boom! and i cant take it anymore and break down.

maybe cos i didnt sleep. why's everything so hard these days?

hmm the first cheer performance was bad..but the final one was better.. yeah then the whole open house was just tiring. was nice listening to the bands play. joel/david/aaron/melvin and the joel louis, nigel, derek,marcus..

choc buffet was fattening..tiff cant stop gorging on the bread pudding. and chuin and iris eats so little! was nice riding on mrt with iris. my dear iris. took so so so many pictures and some really really spas and amusing ones. hope those darlings put them up soon.

see, my day sounds so perfect and fun. sounds... hai im tired and aching. stayed up without any sleep for pw. thought i might have blanked out from the zero sleep and no food during ohana.

whines..i need my life back..

i dont know what to say anymore, so i'll just do random recall of the dayy..

school, was bad. hai felt terrible at first, felt so inadequate. i dont know, its like, how many people know what what shit i feel inside. its not like i mean people should know, its just, i dont know how to really be happy anymore. im trying, im tryingg..

well, left classes to go for cheer. something to keep me occupied until ohana is over. cheer was, well alright, we all still could remember our old routine. and chuin was being high at times, that silly girl. it was nice hanging out with the cheer people too.

ohhh. like most medfacs got back their papers already. while we poor arts students only got back math and maybe econs mcq. bleahh, at long last, im not at the bottom for econs, but well, even if its only mcq. but even helen tan praised me.. and when helen tan praises me, you know something is not right. haha, but math..haha oh well, i never predicted i'll pass anywayy.

poor kevin got niao-ed like madd today, by helen tan and like terminator.. ahh poor guy..hmm so anyway, after cheer and the full rehearsal crap, me, jue and anna wanted to play ball. haha like the good ol' times. so was shooting for awhile with anna then juelin joined us. haha, wanted to do stuff more interesting than shooting and more constructive, so we were playing some "game", haha me and nah against jue. =) hai hanging out with you two like last time. read jue's blog, and thought about all those times. when it was just three of us, and the only things we'd worry about is netball. and we hung out so much, when things were so much more fun.

yepp, then tombang bapok's cab to jelita there, yeah and like what juelin said, it feels so cool as we walked to jelita there. while we were talking about our shadows. haha, it feels like...us. yeah i guess only nah and jue would know what im talking about.

hai, i wanna be able to have fun like i used to. but i cant even do anything properly nowadays. i dont know, life seems so much more cruel now. and its so real. so damn real.

i dont want to be some self absorbed person in depression. cos thats what depressed people are, so self centred and sefl absorbed that they only think about themselves and thus get depressed. thats damn damn true and i only realised it after reading fiona xie's report about herself being depressed and all. shit ugly things happen, but i will walk out of it and get over it and be even stronger.

thanks friends. to all those who i know are there for me. yeah and for your prayers too. i dont know how i'd even handle it without my friends.

er i got back my phone number. yeah the old 92724274 one.

it will prob be in use for three days or so. then im changing number.yeah..

i wish i can just forget everything that happened this year and restart this year. i never wished for something so badly before.

how do you be happy and get better, when things just get worse and more and more things screw your life up? someone tell me how, cos i really dont know how. really..

er my phone is gone. if there's anything urgent, im using this number temporarily. 81166283

i thought everything would be better after the promos, how terribly wrong can i get.

heh what an eventful day at school. studied in school with bena, firas, chuin. almost done with south east asia nationalism.

hmm in between studying was playing bball and frisbee. had abc competition with firas and bena. then played frisbee with other people studying there too

hmm our last goal for our frisbee game. firas perfect throw to me, then me running into space to catch it. just the moment before i catch it in my hands, chuansheng was running towards me to intercept the frisbee. and bang! bad bad collision..

while i was screaming in pain when chuansheng was applying iodine on the big gaping wounds, firas was telling me how it was a damn nice fall and he was thinking it would be a consolation to me.-_- he was saying how i was already confirm gonna catch the frisbee but then collided and fell on my left side and then got dragged along the netball court. yes drag g e d. haha. i didnt remember much of anything right after the fall, except for firas telling me not to look at the wounds on my left elbow.

yeah was quite a bad fall, but it was really nobodys fault. cs looked so guilty but seriously not his fault la, happens when we play what.though i've collided with him alot alot, since we were playing in the same og. i really like playing frisbee too.haha. but now my left elbow looks so gross with the purple iodine and the three wounds, and there's a hump-like swell on the top of my right knee which looks damn amusing and cute. haha.

studied till eight something in sch. could study properly once the distracting firas left. had a nice journey home,walking slowly and enjoying the nice nice wind and listening to nice music. hmm my tagboard is so fos, and theres even people posing as me. well, fos. argh i hope i can remember all the details of sea that i studied today.

promotional examinations have gotten progressively bad, really, from bad to worse. gp was good, at least i felt good about it.

then lit was alright, a little shaky but still alright. then econs. studied but then wth, lousy time management and a shaky foundation and not-so-good grasp of the subject.

then math today. s u c k e d. came out of the room with firas and daryl. haha when pple say they die for maths i wont believe, because only daryl and firas are in the same league as me. throughout the 3 hours, i could see daryl at the corner of my eye. he seemed like he was quite lost like me. staring at paper more than half the time. my marks+firas+daryl may not even make 80? haha. oh damn funny. while 3 of us walked to the canteen, there were these two guys prob from medfac behind us. one to the other: "yay my first A for my promos!" the three of us immediately issued dagger eyes at them, daryl looked like he wanted to kill him. haha.

ok but ive never studied so little for an examination like these before, thus its an expected result. argh. but its like, i acutally like math. i used to be not bad at math and i know how good it feels to be able to ace a math paper. argh maybe, i'd master enough determination to practice math after promos. h o p e f u l l y.

yay went to ghim moh macs after exam. and psy was there! yay i love psy. haha, it felt good seeing him and talking to him though we disrupted his studying for his othello. yay, and we have decided that right after promos, we're going to hang out at his house to watch soccer. but he can't invite me cos everytime he does that, i end up having something on at the last minute. so i should pretend to crash the gathering. haha

hmm then went to pool. a straight four hour pool session! it feels so good. we got abit tired of pool so started playing assasin/survivor style pool. was quite fun. oh came home and slept awhile before i went to run. yay finally ran properly! like longer than usual. haha cos i decided not to run at my house downstairs track but run along a bus route. hmph but i sprained my left ankle again. arghh old recurring injury.

haha i've lost all dislike for eating rice. and thats a damn good thing. so i just eat dishes for dinner.

Walking Away
for Sean

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day

A sunny day with the leaves just turning,

The touch-lines newly-ruled - since I watched you play

Your first game of football, then, like a satellite

Wrenched from its orbit, go, drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can see

You walking away from me towards the school

With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free

Into a wilderness, the gait of one

Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away

Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,

Has something I never quite grasp to convey

About nature's give-and-take - the small, the scorching

Ordeals, which fire one's irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings but none that so

Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly

Saying what God alone could perfectly show -

That selfhood begins with a walking away,

And love is proved in the letting go.

--C. Day Lewis

this poem rocks. it was because of this poem i did the poem question even though the second poem was tough. the last two lines are so apt and sweet.

--that selfhood begins with a walking away.

And love is proved in the letting go.--

haha pretty screwed for econs. haha like really. arghh. i must like get full marks for drq and mcq to pass man. hai diee

slept an hour before todays exam. hai was so tired so came home right after exam to sleep. haha sleep was good.

woke up then bathed and went to run downstairs. hmm was quite tired so didnt run that much today. haii..

the unslack papers are all over. and fri's math. urgh all the can die papers. seriously screwed for promos.

im so tired. and numb to all those shit. its been so long that ive become numb to it.

gp today was alrightt.did the question on homosexual couples and singles adopting children. hmm hopefully all other exams go as well as gp. but hurhur, i wish.

studied at bk at holland v after gp today with bena eman lai and bing. heh quite a fruitful session. hmm was kinda zoned out and was thinking alot at first.about stuff. hai =(

but managed to go home all happy. just didnt want to think about things anymore.so no point.argghh, its like give up but my heart still havent given up totally.hai..anythingg. dragged myself to go downstairs to run and did situps and backraisers and stuff. feels good but im tiredd.

then went to the supermarket at about 930 with my cousin to buy her ingredients for her home econs exams tmr.haha.yay and i bought nice nice food for my breakfasts for the whole of this week and next.yay =)

my tagboard is still madd.

i hate the way i think of you the moment i open my eyes for the day
and the way you're the last face i see in my head at night before i pray.
argh.damn

wtf.my tagboard has gone madd. even the huiminnn that tagged isnt me.

was sleeping initially but got woken up by my cousins who were quarelling. argh dont know if i can go back to sleep again with ease.argh

and great job. i just wasted a perfect sunday and didnt study when my promos officially starts tmr. and i havent even started studying for math.perfect =)

argh.have you ever been so pissed and right at that time. all three people sms-ing you were pissing you off at the same time?no actually more like i was already feeling so urgh when sms-ing someone.then two other people smses too, at such a timely moment. i swear i could have bitten someone's head off.

our memories.they can be inviting.
but some are altogether. mighty frightening
as we die. both you and i
with my head in my hands. i sit and cry

hmm typing this at hongs house. just finished a gruelling session of econs lecture from him about market structure. i was damn tired. now waiting for dinner..baffalo wings! its damn damn good everyone shoulld order from jerry's bbq and grill cos their baffalo wings are damn good.

studied in sch earlier on today. studied awhile with chuin then went ghim moh with uni.and as usual that girl and me were being silly while we're together. haha its like an equation.. uni+huimin=crap and fun. haha talked about random things. and laughing about rubbish things we used to do. like our adventure with juelin.to greenleaf ave, with smriti aiding us. and how jue and her were my sir and madam, and im susanto their maid.

oh had to buy food back for pple.sorry bena!!!! really sorry i missed your order. hmm but must forgive me since your ur-hum's orders were one of those i had to buy..hehh sun so bright eh..

then came back to study more.then bing, hong kayhian kayhwee were sitting with us. then uni started telling a fairy tale that involved action, love and sex. and like, chopping of heads and growing them back.i really really felt like killing her after she finished. cramming such nonsense into my head after i was studying econs! urghh! oh then she tried a cheat game thing.those in whcih you take the opportunity to draw on pples hands. but smart smart huimin too quick for uni.. found out about the deaf old woman shit before she could draw.hahah =)

oh talked and chatted with my dad abit when he sent me to sch today.hmm really should have listened to him about me going poly. he advised me to go poly, even though i could get into top jc and shit.hmm cos he was saying about how my personality and character would definitely be better in poly.hai seriously should have listened to him. argh i'd make a point to take my dad's advice more seriously from now on. really.

fun day..but so sleepy.hahah..and i ate so much. =( promos are coming damn damn soon.and i guess im just getting closer and closer to getting killed. hahah.

i hate the way my pillows feel wet before i sleep. i hate..crying to sleep.

because everything's so freaking hard, because it has become so burdensome, because i dont know myself anymore, because you dont care as much as i do.

thus i choose to give it up.

i never knew how something so beautiful could turn ugly like how it did.but now i know.

i think lying to yourself and convincing yourself by repeating and drilling things you would rather believe is the way to life. ok not exactly the way to life, but its the way to choose against your basic natural instinctive will. its like how in sports, you repeat positive affirmations to yourself. like when youre running and you get damn tired, your natural instinct is to stop. but what keeps you from doing what you want and what helps you to choose to do against your will is what you tell yourself. its kind of lying to yourself in a sense. maybe sometimes not. but sometimes it really is.

but no matter what, thats what i do i guess. lie to myself to achieve desired effect. thats essential simply because we dont get what we want all the time in life.

today was alright. studied more than normally, and did what i enjoyed doing.its only when you do what you enjoy and what you like, you become rejevenated. like somehow i felt more motivated. hmm going to sch to study tmr.going to sch after so long. =)

whats up with the sudden appearances of mr and mrs on my tagboard.

and jedimaster's back.er..with milo dinosuar. mmm..

im sure mr lim and mrs tan reads my blog. nice joke people. f u n n y.

argh im gonna stop staying at home! its damn boring and you'll feel like killing yourself. and its so unlike me to stay home so much.arghh.

oh happy children's day! =)

i used to cry when i imagine a life without you
and now it's come true.